toddler's standing in front of beige concrete stair

Starting over when life feels heavy

Imagine you're the little one at the bottom of a flight of stairs. It feels like a long journey ahead, and you're afraid you won't make it through in entirety. But for now, all you need to do... is just take the first tiny step.

STARTING OVERSPIRITUALITYAGENCY

Wendy Boey

8/29/20265 min read

It almost feels like a given to be overwhelmed by life's interruptions, and find yourself stuck in a mode of non-action. The person you're least kind to at that moment in time, is not your rival or enemy, but yourself.

I've spend decades in fixation over certain outcomes that didn't materialized, and that only made me miserable. I mirrored what the people around me were doing. Dressed up. Luxury brands. Dining at expensive restaurants. Putting myself under long hours and chronic stress to earn more money to satisfy material needs. Yet... I felt no joy nor peace. No contentment, even though I can watch all the dramas I wanted to satisfy my daily fix for dopamine.

I first sought spiritual guidance at a secular retreat in Chiang Mai. My ex-husband and I have came to terms to end the long marriage. Although it seemed like what I wanted all this while, I wasn't happy, and I didn't know why. I need space to figure things out. What would be my next steps? One of my assignment was to come up with a list of things I like or enjoy. However, due to the circumstances I've endured, I was able to write a long list of things I no longer want in my life, and I was afraid that the guide would scold me. Instead, I was assured that was a good start to rediscovering myself again.

During this dark period of my life, I had felt uncared for and that no one was understanding what I'm going through (which remains my emotional triggers). I can't remember how, but I was reminded of God's presence in my life. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 NIV.

I had grown up in a Methodist primary school, and a Presbyterian secondary school. In my teens, my family and I went to a Pentecostal family church. I would occasionally hang out in Charismatic churches to be with my friends. But when humans fail you, I abandoned church. I know there is a God, but some rituals and behaviors made me uncomfortable (which I later found out that it's the same for all organized religions; and that maybe my autism traits and extreme introverted personality played a part).

Looking back, I'm sure it was God's perfect timing. He knew what's coming up in my life, and He made sure I know I could lean on him during these events. The scammer played on me being neglected and manipulated religious teachings to gain my trust. I told myself, "I'm just helping a brother out", transferring huge sums of monies due to a claimed life-or-death matter. When I came to my senses finally, I realized how dangerous blind faith could be.

I flipped back to the pages of The Book of Joy, which Douglas Abrams wrote about a dialogue between the 14th Dalai Lama and Archbishop Desmond Tutu. This book was introduced to me after feeling unsettled about learning more about spirituality outside Christianity. And my most important takeaway is that true joy can coexist with pain and grief,

Meeting Chris a few months later, I learned about 一貫道 Yiguandao. The spiritual movement adopted ideas from various organized religions which I was keen to learn more about. However I continue to refrain from rituals, which he knew I was greatly uncomfortable about.

I started to read more about Buddhism teachings, and learned that suffering often comes from clinging to thing we want to stay the same, or fretting over changes we cannot control. No wonder I had no inner peace. It echoes the wisdom from the late Roman Emperor and Stoic philosopher Marcus Aurelius, that we have power over our mind, but not external events, and that we will find strength when we realize this.

That said, when your emotions are out of whack, I can fully understand how it feels not to have control over your mind. In a way, I'm glad that the Singapore Government and more workplaces are promoting a more understanding society through mental health awareness, domestic violence awareness, etc.

When you're overwhelmed by the journey ahead, pause. Take a deep breath, and exhale slowly. Imagine you're at the bottom of a huge flight of stairs, and you need to move your leg to take a step up. If you couldn't bear to take action just yet, start with visualizing the success of that step. The feeling of your leg moving. How proud of yourself it feels.

You may not know this, but I love this quote from author Mandy Hale so much that I write it on the first page of every journal I've owned! "Ten years from now, make sure you can say that you chose your life, you didn't settle for it." This quote reminds me that we have agency. We can act independently, and make choices without others' interference. We can control our own actions. And yes, inaction is also a choice.

I once felt like I have no choice, that I have to live on a certain way due to the bad decisions I've made in the past. That limiting belief formed an imaginary prison around me. Today, I want to assure you that your experiences do not define you, but the meaning you assign to them does. I acknowledge that my life events are turbulent, but I've chose not to remain trapped in a victim mentality that would do me no good.

It took me many years to understand that my helplessness is learned, because I've behaved passively in the past. I avoided many things because I either don't know how to resolve the conflict amicably or I was afraid. I've only regained my agency the moment I realized I can unlearn such behavior. If I don't try, I would never escape the bad situation.

Quoting psychologist Alfred Adler, "No matter what has occurred to your life to this point, it should have no bearing at all on how you live from now on. That you, living in the here and now, are the one who determines your own life."

So, live in the present. Don't be trapped by the past, and don't be anxious of the future. We can equip ourselves by learning widely. Let me give you an example. Through YouTube videos of van life and tiny houses and earth ships, I've learned there are alternate ways of living which people have found contentment. Equipped with these discoveries, and with my personal values acting as my inner compass, I feel empowered to create positive change and positive energy in my life.

And when you become a source of positive energy, others naturally reflect it back like a mirror. Positive relational energy is grounded in neuroscience and behavioral science. And just as yawning is contagious, uplifting energy also spreads quickly. To start, replace your inner critic with your inner cheerleader. Don't bring yourself down by talking negatively to yourself or chiding yourself for every small mistakes.

To end, let me share with you this nugget of wisdom from meditation expert Jon Zabat-Zinn, "You can't stop the waves, but you can learn to surf." There are too many things in life that we can't control, and it's unwise to suppress difficult emotions. We can always learn new ways, even if we don't enact on them in perfection. In fact, neuroplasticity continues throughout our entire life until death, so don't tell yourself you're too old to learn. You don't need to be perfect. You don't need to learn and absorb everything, we're not taking an examination.

Be kind to yourself.

Starting over when life feels heavy

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